I have shared my journals from the days I used METH on Wattpad. It is a lengthy story at roughly 32,000 words. (Much longer than my typical blog posts.) I suppose that this story really doesn't make much sense. But perhaps it shouldn't make sense because it is a deep dive into the thoughts I had whirling through my mind on drugs. I don't recommend this story to the faint of heart. However, if you're already "disturbed" or not afraid to fold open the mind of a methamphetamine addict, you might be okay. Not just anyone should read my meth journals. The words are disturbingly vulgar and pornographic.
This is not a story that I would normally share on my blog, but I have not been in a great headspace lately. So ............. what the hey!? (I am not sure if this is confidence or stupidity!)
I wrote this story (copied from the journals) in March 2020. I have hung onto the story for nearly 4 years because it is truly embarrassing and shameful to share just how disgusting I used to be. I have included some explanations throughout all of the jumbled insanity to try and keep the story flowing. My notes are used as a frame of reference for what was happening at that time.
METH MIND is super uncomfortable for me to share. I am aware that I am putting myself in a vulnerable position by doing so. This is not something that I would typically share as I prefer to honor God with my writings. I know that ultimately the story does lead to the glory of God because I have overcome my physical craving for drugs and alcohol.
This past November 30, 2023, I celebrated 14 years of complete sobriety from all substances. My addiction recovery has been a huge priority since the day I was arrested for manufacturing methamphetamines. However, the language from the journals is absolutely disgusting.
Today, I would not ever speak the way that I spoke when I was using drugs. So, for those with sensitive ears or minds that would not like to be infiltrated by disturbing content, this story is not for you.
Here are some photos of the "meth books". As you can see, they are heavily colored on, doodled in, ripped up, repaired, & damaged some more. They are the perfect tangible example of my mind on meth.
My infatuation with sex throughout this story refers to a boy named "Jack". Here is a photograph of "Jack" & I, high on pills during a trip to Florida in January of 2009. This was 2 months after my mother's murder. The stickers on the photo spell out "lifers". We definitely were NOT "lifers". I spent a little over 2 years infatuated with this boy. My addiction was in full force when I met him, but he introduced me to a whole new realm of drugs. I went from stimulants to opiates and back with this guy. I pray that I didn't do long-term physical damage to my heart. My brain, however, has suffered for many years, even in recovery.
I created multiple covers for METH MIND. But in the end, the first one I ever made is the one that I think is the best representation of its insanity.
In this photo, I was 17 years old, lost, high, & searching for something that I have only been able to find in a relationship with the Holy Spirit.
Long-term recovery is possible.
Complete healing is possible.
I am living proof that you can be redeemed.
REPENT AND TURN TO GOD!
YOUR SINS WILL BE WIPED AWAY!
-Acts 3:19
WARNING - METH MIND IS FULL OF ADULT CONTENT!
If you are not right with the Lord… Don't even try to read this.
Be prepared to have to get right with the Lord after reading meth mind!
Meth Mind is NOT FOR CHILDREN!
Please do not leave your device in reach of your kiddos with this story open.
If this is something that you are in a "safe place" to read, here is the link to do so:
If I had living parents…
This is the point in time where I would say, "Sorry Mom"!
Love,
Kelsey
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