I have been dreaming of this outlet for many years now.
People have often told me that I need to write a book. I wasn't aware of how messy or interesting my life might be until I was sitting in counseling about a dozen years ago. My therapist said to me, "That's not normal. You do know that this isn't what a family should look like, right?"
I have attempted at times to share my thoughts and feelings with others via social media posts. But I went offline approximately 3 years ago. The freedom that I have gained logging off has been incredible. It's amazing how much more you can enjoy your children and your marriage when you're not busy taking the next staged photo for Instagram. God has worked miracles in my marriage. We had problems aside from social media but we've been able to witness miracles in our marriage. We no longer compare each other and our love to those portraying themselves as perfect beings on the web. I've been off of Facebook for a good 6 years now. I don't miss social media at all. I bounced back and forth with social media and different accounts for quite a while trying to find the right fit for me. My addictive personality couldn't handle the scrolling. My life was consumed with scrolling and my house was covered in dust. It's fascinating how many content creators are slapping photos and videos online of new content or trendy dances and their homes are riddled with filth. What an out-of-control way to live. I love pretending like I have control! So, I've become a bit of a social media nazi. While I can be found watching YouTube videos on occasion and Google is still a friend of mine, I will no longer be found mindlessly scrolling for hours looking for something to numb my mind or spark the next high. I cannot say that I will never ever get back on social media but it is safe to say for the time being that my family and I are enjoying, truly enjoying, real life together outside of the highlight reels and filtered photos of the internet. Never again will I plaster my children's photos all over the Internet. God has blessed me with a house full of kiddos. He has entrusted me with these gifts. I live to serve Him by protecting them. I've been busy raising my family.
Isn't "busy" the best/worst excuse? It enables me to do nothing or everything. It can look like anything! Like, "I'm busy, sorry can't come!" (Meanwhile, I am only busy worrying!)
I'd say, today, I am truly busy! I am a wife, mother, and stepmom. For a while, I was a daughter, granddaughter, & caregiver. For the most part, I'd say I am busy being a friend. However, hiding from people in my sweatpants might be my greatest superpower.
Let's be honest, hiding in my sweatpants is not a superpower, it is one of my most significant defects! But, I do like to put on my sweats and disappear!
Today I am wearing leggings, like, I almost got ready for life! I did put on some deodorant, so .. now I mean business!
I'm tired of hiding.
I'm sick of being silent in fear.
My brain hinders me from many things, leaving the house, talking to new people, and going into stores. (Anyone else ever drive to the grocery store and see the parking lot full of cars and drive back home?) My brain also keeps me from being hospitable. It can also keep me from producing anything that feels useful. I get trapped in the vicious, mundane, robotic, mechanical day-in & day-out routine of life. I used to think my husband was so predictable, now, here I am doing the same things repeatedly.
Get up, pee, brush teeth, make coffee, wake the kids, change diapers, off to school, clean house, lunches, nap, self-loathe, contemplate a shower or dry shampoo, pick up kids, fix dinner, after-school activities, bedtime routines... WAIT! Let's not forget the ever-so-exciting 14 times a day that the dog needs to go out.
I know exactly what needs to be done to take care of all nine of the other living creatures in my home. I know what is expected of me, how to fulfill these expectations, and when to do these things. I don't however always know when to say enough is enough, stop, what about me?
My mind convinces me that asking for some time for myself is selfish and inconsiderate of my responsibilities. I work tirelessly for my family yet my mind convinces me that my daily sacrifices are in vain. I struggle to take a step back and allow myself to breathe, somedays I drown my sorrows in Netflix drama, and I hate myself when I finish out yet another day without accomplishing anything tangible. I try to remind myself that being a mother is a slow reward. I am creating lifelong memories and feelings that will be with my children for years to come. If I do not take the time to take care of myself now, will they look back and remember fun with mom or grumpy mom? They may not remember all of the words of direction that I have given them, but they will always remember how I made them feel. If I feel like crap, it is most likely that they are going to look back and feel like crap as well.
I hope that Hello Dear will provide me with an additional source of accomplishment and interactions outside of my daily bustling.
I've spent far too many hours chewing my nails and worrying that "putting myself out there" was the wrong decision. My brain is rude, mean, and nasty. I've spent countless days self-loathing and thinking of all the reasons why I'm not capable of producing a blog worth reading.
I get ahead of myself trying to predict what people will think. I waste time projecting into the future. I sit around thinking about all the reasons why the evil world and its hateful people will think I'm an idiot! The funny thing is, I tell myself every single day what an idiot I am! So what makes a difference if my worldly fellows think the same of me that I do?
“But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. I praise God for what he has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?”
Psalms 56:3-4 NLT
My ultimate goal for Hello Dear is to direct others to Christ. No matter how far down the rabbit hole I go. No matter how far off the path I stray,
HE IS THE ULTIMATE GOAL!
So perhaps it is to be expected that others will not be accepting of my blog? And that's ok!
"Do not be surprised, my brothers and sisters, if the world hates you." (1 John 3:13)
I used to think that I was my own worst enemy. But I know the enemy is still the enemy!
The Devil and I were the best of friends for far too long. But it's time for me to fight against his lies. I am tired of staying quiet.
I have a new friend!
“For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God.”
Romans 5:10-11 NLT
So here I am, once again. (This is my second blog.) My first blog is long gone. It was complete lunacy!
Probably made for good reading. (If you like drama!) I did have an excellent response to it. I had regular followers who left little comments that were both constructive and critical, of course.
My dream for Hello Dear is to share my journey with Christ, where I have been, where I hope to go, and all the hangups along the way. I am not a "good Christian", my past is ugly and it haunts me (almost) daily, but I desire to be so much more than I was ever taught to be.
I believe that God brought me the concept of Hello Dear. In this blog, I will write letters to folks that I encounter along the way, groups of people, my family, and my God. I'm sure to share some randomness along the way. I believe that God gave me the gift of storytelling. However, I do not believe that I am a gifted writer. I am an uneducated high school dropout. I did earn a high school diploma at the age of 23 with a one-year-old baby on my hip. I'm truly not sure I should even take credit for my high school diploma. If I believed in luck, I would say I "got lucky". The high school principal at the alternative high school, you know, the place where they send all the rejects and "troubled" students, was kind to me. His daughter was mentoring students at the time while she was working on her degree in education. She did most of the work for me as my brain was not capable of focusing. I got sober at 20 years old. This was a year after my mother's murder. I got pregnant by my old drug dealer at 21, gave birth at 22, and had to deal with the pain of him choosing drugs over us.
In Hello Dear I will sort through the insanity of my life experiences. I am not a victim. I do not accept or expect pity from anyone.
“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.”
James 1:2-3 NLT
HELLO DEAR LIFE
This is my life. I am lucky to be alive. Life is hard. But I've learned that life is hard for most people, no matter where they come from. Hello Dear is my letter to life, its people, & the stuff that happens.
I am an only child.
Both of my parents are dead.
I was never technically an orphan as my mother died when I was a teenager and my father lived until my early 30s. But I have often felt very alone.
My mom took off in my early teens. I taught myself the best I could with what I had. I even put myself through the school of hard knocks! (The tuition cost me nearly everything!)
In Hello Dear I will delve deeper into my life as a loner. I will narrate the internal struggles of a recovering mind. I also hope to intelligently depict the rocky roads of finding an all-loving and forgiving God in the self-serving mess of modern-day society. As a person in recovery from drugs and alcohol for the past 13+ years, my path in the realm of Christianity doesn't look like that of a "normal person".
Or so I thought. For years I had thought that I was unique, different, & flat out strange! Then I met seemingly normal people. Turns out they're pretty messed up too!
My pastor has often said that "everyone is normal until you meet them". How true this is? I hope to always provide an honest depiction of my experiences on this earth. Brutal honesty might be my forte. I am an open book. Over the years I have become better at staying silent and waiting for the appropriate time to speak. At times I stay too quiet. In my silence, I have found a combination of good and evil. I have peace & time with my creator yet, the enemy is loud. What a conundrum! This is my lay-it-all-out-there approach to furthering my walk. It is my hope that you will walk with me as we grow closer to our savior!
My goal is to always write with God at the forefront. If I am not bringing honor and glory to my Father in Heaven, I don't see a point in continuing my blog. I will share many stories of strength and perseverance. At times it will seem as though I am strong and have great willpower. There have been instances where I have shared stories of strength with folks who aren't believers and they have said to "give yourself some credit".
I understand and respect that perspective. But I live in full surrender to my God. Of course, from time to time I like to take back control. But I give credit where credit is due. Left to my own devices, I am an absolute mess. My strength and ability to persevere come from the Holy Spirit. All honor and glory to HIM is deserved.
I am excited to take this next step. When I find the courage to publish this blog I hope to have interactions with those of you who might take the time to read it. I will begin writing with the understanding that I have an audience of none. Perhaps that is the best way to think... at least for me. If I write from the position of speaking to God or speaking to myself or speaking to faceless people... This is where I will be most vulnerable. I hate watching & reading curated nonsense that people slather all over the internet. It seems they are thinking that this is what people want to see or hear.
The world has enough followers. I am following Jesus!
I need to write for my healing. I will write about my relationship with God! Maybe this will be a gift for my children? (I would have loved to be able to read some of my mother's writings, but her blog was deleted after her death.) Hopefully, I get to live to be an old lady. But perhaps, if I'm not afforded that luxury, they will have something to look back on in remembrance of me.
This is where we'll start.
Buckle up - it could be a bumpy ride.
I am a spewer of words. It's all just verbal vomit!
HELLO DEAR.. I'm glad you're [finally] here.
My love to you all.
Love,
Kels, "The Spewer Of Words"
1 John 3:11 - Love one another.
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