My oh-so-very human mind has an image of what a “negligent parent” would look like.
I don’t feel like I fit that bill. But here I am, labeled & accused by the state.
How did I become a “negligent mother”?
One night a few weeks ago... I was rocking my one-year-old son before bed...
Reflecting on how I got to this point of “negligence."
(What a dirty word! It just makes me feel disgusting!)
My little guy is so smart. He’s almost 18 months old now & his vocabulary is expanding rapidly. At night he snuggles up to me while breastfeeding. He thinks it’s funny to point to the mole on my chest & pop up to say, “MOLE!” I love his big milky grin! He is so cute!
Sarcastically I think, oh yeah, this is a negligent bedtime routine, for sure.
To some, it might make sense, if you knew me 15 years ago. I was a drug addict. If I had a child back then, it would come as no surprise. I was a terrible human. I was 18 years old & I couldn’t be trusted to water a house plant! Back then there was no way I could take care of children, but today?
I am a 33-year-old mother of three. My kids are my whole world. I am a wife of 8 1/2 years to a man that is well-loved and cared for daily. He can’t find anything in the kitchen. I think that’s proof enough that he is served all his meals. (HA!) I am a stepmother to a brilliant 19-year-old young woman. I cannot take any credit for the way she is, but I hold this title. I volunteer at my church & I attend 2 Bible studies. I drive a minivan to get my children to and from school every day. (Something I swore I would never do!) My house isn’t perfectly clean, but it is pretty darn clean. Yep, I’m domesticated.
I serve 3 meals a day to my family. I often serve them before I ever look at myself in the mirror. I wander around my house in my sweats with messy hair without a sip of coffee making sure that my kids are cared for. I never put myself first & feel guilty for even thinking about doing so. Heck, I probably smell funny!?
Caring for others is what I do. I was my father's caregiver for 3 years & my grandfather’s caregiver for the 3 years before that. We’ve always had pets that I take care of. I cleaned my husband’s place of employment to help supplement our income. I managed a business for 5 years with my dad. I worked in mental health. I have spoken to crowds of people about addiction recovery. I was the treasurer for many years for a local AA meeting. I could go on and on trying to toot my own horn.
But my point is, I’m a "normal" responsible adult. I have done so many things since I got sober 13 1/2 years ago. My favorite of all of the things I have done/am doing is being a mother! Yet here I am, meeting with the Department of Child Services for negligence!
I am negligent!?
Maybe to my own needs.
But never my kids!
The DCS social worker who came to our home stated I was reported by the police for “abuse and neglect.” He said they needed to open an investigation against me because they were confused by how it was reported. Apparently, there are different codes to choose to report. He said our accident was reported as abuse. Hence the confusion.
As a lover of words, I cannot help but overanalyze and dissect the things that are said to me.
“Sticks and stones will break your bones” … & words will resonate!
Most of the time my brain blocks out trauma. It’s been doing it since childhood - so - I don’t always know when it’s happening. It’s like the automatic sweep my phone does to delete messages every month. My brain sweeps through deleting scenes from my head. It’s a defense mechanism built in from my childhood. But not this. Everything about this situation from the accident to the hospitalization to the meeting with DCS was on repeat in my mind.
It’s as if for 3 weeks after our accident my brain was spinning out of control. My self-talk was deadly. Killing my soul.
I have told myself 1000 times that I should've done this & I shouldn't have done that.
My number one most repeated thought for weeks was: “How could I let this happen?”
And these others floated around beside that thought:
Why did I pull forward?
Why didn't I stop?
How could I be so stupid?
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why wasn’t I more careful?
I’ve yet to find answers to these questions.
So, I have tried to change those thoughts to:
Praise God it was not worse!
Praise God it was the back tire and not the front!
Praise God it was not her head!
Praise God she is still here!
From now on, we will be more careful!
Counting my blessings one by one.
Amazingly, a dozen people have told me that I am a “good mom” and I never believe them. But one man told me that I was negligent and I instantly believed it. I have stewed in it.
I questioned myself. Am I neglecting my kids?
I had to google... “What is negligence?” & “How to spot a negligent mother?”
(Dissecting words - getting to their root... I suppose this could be called a hobby?)
The Google definition -
“Negligence: failure to take proper care in doing something.“
So, in my situation, failure to take proper care of my children!
That can’t be true. Can it?
Google definitions for,
“What is a negligent mother?” :
1.) “Neglectful parenting…. parents don't respond to their child's needs or desires beyond the basics of food, clothing, and shelter”
2.) “Here are some neglectful parenting examples: Show no warmth or affection towards their children. Act indifferently and distantly. They do not help or take care of their children's basic needs.”
Hmm.. ok? I must run down this list.
My children have all of their basic needs met. (Check.)
Beyond that, we attend church regularly & grow together spiritually. We do Bible studies, travel, snuggle, bedtime stories, and daily prayers. We eat healthily. We have dinner together at the table and pray before every meal. We eat high-protein meals. I make sure our meals are balanced with vegetables and fruits.
My kids are involved in dance & guitar. We’ve enjoyed several other fun activities over the years. My oldest goes to camps & events at church. She has a counselor that she meets with regularly. She wants to be a missionary when she grows up!
They have friends, go to birthday parties, and have safe fun with adult supervision! I don’t allow them to watch scary movies, they don’t have much screen time & we don’t have social media! No one in our home drinks alcohol or smokes cigarettes, & we don’t know anyone who uses drugs. My kids get great grades in school and we work on their homework together! My 1st grader is a straight-A student. She’s doing 3rd-grade math & halfway through her 2nd-grade reading.
My 5th grader is reading at a 9th-grade level!
They’re great kids!
We are so “normal” it could be considered boring!
As far as affection, my kids get hugs and kisses first thing in the morning, & then before they get out of the car at school, when we get home, & before bed. Of course, there are always extra hugs and kisses for boo-boos, hurt feelings, allergies, and hard days!
And sometimes ... JUST CUZ! I love them.
I sit and listen to them talk about their friends and the stress of life. I hold their hands through all the heavy stuff! I know them better than they know themselves!
So, I’m a negligent mother?
Inside I can’t help but think,
"I could do more. I could be better. What about THIS? Remember when I did THAT?"
I’m not perfect. I yell a lot. Sometimes I say things that I don't mean. I can be a jerk. I get frustrated and frazzled. My kids get spankings occasionally. (With an open hand on the bum. Have no fear, the state Department of Child Services made sure to let me know that spanking my children was not illegal! Shew! My kids were sure to tell the agent that they sometimes get spankings.) Gentle parenting is not my style. I wish it could be. I'd love to be an all-around gentle person. Maybe someday I will be!? Right now, I’m doing my best with what I have. Which isn’t always much. I spend a lot of time alone. My brain is like a bowl of soggy fruit loops sometimes. I didn't learn from amazing gentle parents. My mom was mean. My dad was an angry man. The good that is in me has come from my God whom I have grown closer to through the folks I've encountered along the way in my recovery.
I've learned how to "take what I need and leave the rest."
& I praise God often for my church family. God has blessed me with an amazing group of women over the years. He always tends to send just the right person at the right time. I am so grateful. These people have thought me how to show the sacrificial love of Christ to my husband and children. I don't always get it right, but I try.
I give my children my all.
But here I am being investigated for being abusive and neglectful.
I guess that’s to be expected when you run your 7-year-old over with your car!
All my life, I wanted to be a mother. I was an only child. I had lots of baby dolls and always wished they would come to life. My grandmother told me when I was a little girl that I was going to be a great mother to a little girl someday. I always loved babies and baby dolls. I loved other little girls & helping littles. God has blessed me with 2 girls of my own. When I found out I was pregnant with my son, I cried. “I don’t know what to do with a boy!” I was 10 years into being a girl mom. Hair bows, ruffles, and crazy emotions were my forte!
(I have since learned the joys of having a son!)
My point is, I think I was meant for motherhood. It was my ultimate dream.
I always wanted to be a mom.
In high school when they would ask us what we wanted for our futures, I never knew what to say. I would answer, “I want to make people happy”. Partially because in those days I was a miserable soul that couldn’t find happiness for myself. But I think there was more behind my struggle to know my purpose.
When you’re in school they want to know what your desired career is.
But what if you want to grow up and raise a family? There’s no shame in a woman raising her children. I believe it is one of the most respectable choices a woman could make.
When the DCS agent was privately interviewing my husband about the accident, he asked him if he had any concerns about my ability to care for our children. Our house is not very big, so I could hear his answer. He told him, “No! We gave up her income so that she could be home with our children. The world is a scary place, and there’s no one else we would want to be with our kids!”
And that’s the thing, why would anyone want someone else to raise their children? No one will ever love them and care for them as their parents can. Obviously, I understand that there are situations where this is not true but I'm not talking about those “negligent parents”.
I understand that there are also situations where both parents must go to work every day. I also understand that women can be nurses and doctors, police officers, & CEOs, etc. These women need help raising their kids, I get it. I am not saying there is anything wrong with being a working mom. I love that for you. But for me, I love being home with my kids, running the house, and caring for my family. This is my life's work! I want to be home with my children. Besides, my income would have only covered daycare and the gas getting to and from work. It didn’t make sense for me to go back to work and pay someone else to raise my kids.
Quite frankly, I’m so busy now, I’m not sure how I could even squeeze in time to work.
But that's beside the point, I love my kids. I love being home and raising my children. I enjoy my time with them.
My pastor has preached multiple sermons on “living life on mission”. He has said for years that if you’re raising children, THAT. IS. the current mission. So here I am. This is my life. My kids are my top priority. They are my world. This is my mission.
I recently found my old Sony handheld camera & watched videos from 11 years ago. My curly-haired baby girl was the cutest little thing! Being her mom has brought me so much joy and sorrow over the years. I still remember bringing her home from the hospital. I was a 22-year-old single mom. I sat her down in her carrier and cried into the bed. I begged and pleaded with God to help her. Bless her. Protect her. I was terrified of being a mom. I was petrified that I’d mess her up. For many years my most common prayer was,
“God please, protect her from all things evil. Even if that evil is me!”
My mom was not a good mom. She was a single mom. She also did the best she could with what she had. I heard many stories about her drunken parents smacking her around when she was a kid. I can look back now and pity her. I know that she needed Jesus. She could've benefited from a church family, a mentor, and a good God-fearing friend (or five). If I’m honest - she probably needed some AA meetings too. She chose booze and men over me for years until she died. She made poor choices that led to her demise. I didn't want to be her. I didn't want to parent my daughter the way she parented me. So, the day I brought my baby home, I fell to my knees and sobbed! I blubbered and bawled - BEGGING God to help me! “Please God help me to be a better mom than she was!”
“Please don’t let me hurt my baby!”
It's amazing how I went through my childhood being held down, sat on, strangled for fun, spit on, and smacked around without DCS ever being notified. When I was in the second grade, we moved. It was the 3rd house we’d moved to in 3 years. I had no friends. I was afraid to go to recess & spent a lot of time in the nurses' office. I attempted to tell the school nurse what was going on. I had marks on my neck from my mom’s favorite “game”. My mother lied to the school and told them that I had an allergic reaction to sleeping in a necklace. After that event, I had to continue my childhood saying that I was allergic to certain types of metal.
She was never investigated.
I however had to have an MRI (that she made my father pay for). She did her very best to cover her tracks and make people think I was crazy. She said I needed an MRI to see if something was wrong with my brain for being a liar. I was terrified and projectile vomited green beans on the roof of the machine.
Last month as I was taking my seven-year-old daughter to dance class. (Something my mother would have never done. I wasn’t able to be involved in any activities! But she would make fun of me for not having any talents!)
On our way to dance class, my girls ran down the driveway racing and fighting as sisters do. They were fighting for the front seat.
She fell & slid underneath the middle of my car. I didn’t see her fall. The rear tire went over her leg. The accident haunts me at all hours of the day. It was 100% purely an accident. I would never hurt my child. Yet, I was reported for abuse and negligence for having an accident. I understand it is their job to investigate the safety of children. I am grateful that the system is in place to fight for children. It just seems as though there would be some common sense mixed into the system.
I would never intentionally hurt or torment my child. We live in a nice house, we drive nice vehicles, my children can visibly be seen without any marks or injuries, and we have food, running water, electricity, and a heating and cooling system. (I also understand that children and nice homes can also be abused, but still…a little common sense goes a long way.)
My mom used to drink alcohol and ignore me. I was forced to stay in my room so she could party with God knows who. She would have sex with random men from the bar while I was in the room above her. My children have never been subjected to those horrific sounds! If I left my room, she'd hurt me.
I am not my mother.
My children are not neglected.
My brain has wallowed around in this filth for weeks. I did receive a call a few days ago stating that our accident had been reviewed by the state. The findings were all consistent with an accident. All of the DCS/CPS team members that reviewed the information provided by my children, my husband, the hospital, and myself were consistent. Hallelujah!
I always want my stories to be beneficial in some way. I hope that this story will serve as a reminder that even good people struggle. And that's okay. I don't always feel like a good person but I do try to “do the next right thing”. I try to live a simple life and provide a safe and healthy home for my family. But that doesn't mean I am exempt from struggle. That doesn't make me invincible. Life still happens.
Jesus said: “In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world!”
So if you find yourself struggling and you feel like, why? What am I doing wrong? Why me? Or if you start to wonder why you should even continue to do good - because - bad things keep happening….
First of all, you are not alone.
Second of all, it's so important to refer back to The Truth!
The Word is TRUTH!
Being told that I am a negligent mother is a lie. That is not truth. That is from the enemy. I had to redirect my thoughts to remember who I am. I am a child of God.
I am not my mother. I belong to Christ.
Christ Jesus died for me. My kids know Him!
My thoughts must always be filtered through HIS WORD! Because left to my own devices my sinful nature will only allow me to believe the lies of the enemy!
“You must live as God’s obedient children. Don't slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires.” (1Peter 1:14)
Let’s keep pushing forward no matter what comes our way. No matter what messes we find ourselves in, we must choose to put one foot in front of another and live in truth.
What is truth?
His Word.
That’s it!
Everything else is fabricated garbage. All this “live YOUR truth” stuff is junk.
Like, “You do you booboo!” This kills me.
If I were to “do me”, I’d be a drug-addicted prostitute living on the streets.
Humans are sinful BY NATURE! We cannot just “do us” because left to our own devices we are sinful - AT BEST!
I must stay away from the worldly junk that keeps me separated from my creator. I must focus on Him & the future He has for me & my family!
Sinful at my best!?
How terrifying!!
The truth is that God is close to us no matter how we feel. When I am going through something hard or ugly it can be hard to feel God close to me. But feelings cannot be trusted. If there is something that I have wholeheartedly learned in the past 17 months since losing my dad, it is that joy and sorrow can coexist.
Love always wins. God is love.
God's love for us is so much bigger than any earthly love we can ever experience.
(Psalm 143:8) “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you”
It’s important to remember that nothing is guaranteed in life except for the love of Jesus. No matter what happens, He loves us. No matter how burdened we are, no matter how brokenhearted, no matter how hungry, angry, lonely, or tired we get… Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
He has already won. “It is finished”
His love for us never changes.
He has the victory and we have victory in Him.
God promises that we will have peace if we choose to rejoice in Him - no matter how hard life gets.
We are not to trust in ourselves or other worldly beings. We are to never put trust in our circumstances! We are to put our trust in Him alone!
Proverbs 3: 5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and He will make your paths straight."
“LOOK FOR THE GOOD, THERE YOU WILL FIND HIM!”
I was [almost] unable to do this (look for the good) while my daughter was hospitalized. I never doubted God’s goodness, but nothing else was good! I was able to see some good.
I mean, SHE IS ALIVE! (PRAISE GOD!) But beyond that, the hate I felt for myself blinded me! I struggled to believe that any other good could come from this ugliness. I feared my husband would leave me. I feared I'd be arrested. I worried about my other children. I was afraid for my little girl laying in the hospital. There are times when I can see goodness, but I struggle to show that I believe in His goodness. When I am struggling it is hard for me to convey with my words how I feel. Often times my actions are rude. My treatment of others isn't always kind in stressful times. I am short and snippy or down right rude. In stressful times my prayers are short. When I am exhausted, I shut down & I struggle to go to God. Sometimes I try to find solutions in my husband’s strength. Other times I try to power through on my own. This usually leaves me spinning uncontrollably. I can be a tornado ripping through the lives of those that I love. That was apparent in my interactions with my husband’s family while we were in the hospital. I struggle to show myself grace.
But, GOD STILL LOVES ME!
His is the most important love of all.
Even if everyone on earth hates me - I know I am loved by my Father in Heaven.
I am still learning. I make mistakes. (Clearly)
Recovery is a lifelong process.
My walk with Christ is not a straight road.
I pray to always be learning and growing closer to God. I pray to always remain teachable!
There will be hurdles and pitfalls in life. No matter what happens we must continue to choose Christ.
Life will move on with or without you.
I could be depressed and laying in bed. Life has thrown me a lot of curveballs over the years. I have all the excuses in the world to lay down and sob! But my strength comes from the Lord! I must be strong! My family still needs me! I have to show up - even when I don't feel like it - even if the state sends a giant man to my house to tell me that I am a negligent parent! I must get up, get dressed, & care for my family. My husband always loved the recovery saying, "keep doing the next right thing!"
I continue to rely on God's word for truth.
“…the Lord is faithful. He will give you strength and protect you from the Evil One. -2 Thessalonians 3:3
Another definition that I googled was ACCIDENT.
ac·ci·dent
1. an unfortunate incident that happens unexpectedly and unintentionally, typically resulting in damage or injury.
2. an event that happens by chance or that is without apparent or deliberate cause.
I am not a negligent parent. This was an accident. My vehicle moving did not cause my child to fall. I would never hurt my child. Not intentionally.
This was an “unfortunate incident.” 100% ACCIDENT!
When I walked into the emergency room to see my daughter after the accident, the ER nurse walked up to me. (I was sobbing!)
She said, “Hey, I’m a mom too! I would be hysterical too! But SHIT HAPPENS MOMMA! Calm down, she’s ok!”
I do not believe that I am the best mom in the world. But I do believe that someone could actually be the best mom in the world and accidents would still happen!
We must praise God through the insanity of life. When crazy stuff happens, things don’t go our way, tragedy strikes, HE IS STILL ON THE THRONE! We dust our jeans off, pull our boots up, and keep going! It's so important to show ourselves the same God-given grace and mercy and love that Jesus would show us. What if we treated ourselves with this same tender love and kindness that we would show a friend in the time of tragedy?
Joy and sorrow can co-exist!
I have felt more sorrow than joy the past couple years.
But I can see the beauty of life & I can feel the joy and the good.
I hope that whatever you're going through that this is also true for you.
“Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again – rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do, remember the Lord is coming soon. Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all He has done then when you experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:4–7)
Today I am grateful for the health of my family.
My daughter is alive! It could’ve been worse. (It could always be worse!)
Thank you Jesus for sparing my daughter’s life.
Thank you that we get to continue making memories with her.
Our case with DCS is now closed. Their investigation determined that our accident was indeed an accident. Hallelujah! (Even when you know you've done nothing intently wrong, being told you're under investigation with the risk of losing your kids is a nightmare!)
I can honestly say that I am now grateful for my interactions with the department of child services. The agent that was assigned our case provided me with resources for medical bill assistance. He was kind and reasonable about everything. The initial visit was scary, but it’s over now. God will use this experience.
Good can come out of ugly.
I hope the DCS agent was blessed by interacting with my family. At our last visit, my baby pointed to the cross on the wall and shouted “GOD!” Then, threw his sticky little praise hands in the air, and shouted again, “GOD!”
God can use anything to bring His children back to Him. I pray that He uses this whole experience. I may never know HOW He will use it and that’s ok. It’s not about me.
But I truly believe that nothing is wasted.
“Psalm 91 guarantees that the supreme power in the universe is interested in our struggles, cares about us in a personal way, and will get involved to help at just the right time.”
- Ellie Holcomb
“If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home. For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone. The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.” Psalms 91:9-12, 14-16
Remember, God is good, always!
Even when we can’t feel Him near, it doesn’t mean He isn’t.
Feelings cannot always be trusted.
God is always close and waiting for you.
"Let go and let God.”
“Without suffering, there'd be no compassion.” - Nicholas Sparks
We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance! - Romans 5:3
Let’s PERSEVERE! 💪🏻
You are loved, my Dear Friend.
Thank you for reading,
Kelsey
This is a chapter in your book