Hey Dad, it’s me
Your one and only
It’s just me down here now
Feeling so lonely
Remember when I told you
That you were going to die
You wouldn’t even try
Now I sit here alone, writing, as I cry
If you didn’t change your ways
You could number your days
Now you’re gone
Your life an angry blaze
I don’t understand why
I wasn’t enough
I guess changing your ways
Was just too tough
All those years of baggage
The divorce did you in
You couldn’t handle the pain
Of my mother's adultery and sin
Instead of getting help
You sat and ate food
The more weight you put on
it changed your mood
You had no idea
That you were a really cool dude
Morbid obesity robbed you of life
Even before you were dead
It started with the tumor
They found in your head
On went your existence
Down in a spiral
Your health spun out of control
They call that going viral
Trips to the hospital
Foam bands on your head
Tubes everywhere
Strapped to a bed
The doctor said back then
That you were going to be dead . . .
God worked a miracle instead!
You were given a second chance
But you didn’t want it - I guess
You stopped taking your medicine
A life full of stress
You couldn’t remember
Your brain had a bleed
A stroke in November
I didn’t know what you’d need
Constant care
No one but me
- would be there
Your health got worse
Your time here was fumbled
I remember the day
Your words sounded mumbled
A sign of distress
What do I do …
Stroke number two
Not the last straw for you
My dad - so strong
You wouldn’t stay down
Fought like a king
Urine turned brown
Kidney disease
Botched surgeries
To helicopter rides
Weeks in rehab
Reduced your size
Nothing was enough
to be a wake-up call
You didn’t know how
to process pain after all
Weight loss and weight gain
Recovery such a mess
I stood by your side
& prayed for progress
The loss of your parents
Your family diminished
Shortened the table
Built a taller fence
The end of your job
Goodbye to all you’d ever known
No one truly loved you
Not outside of my home
“Retirement” would be the end
No one to call
- not one single friend
Nowhere to go
- nothing to do
No one would welcome you
Toward the end I protected you
Like you were my own child
I fought for you
The situation was wild
Growing up, you were my hero
You taught me, unconditional love,
Before I found Jesus
and My Father above
You were my rock
A true solid.
When they told me you were dying
I thought they must be wrong
You’d overcome so much in the past
There was no way
That this would be your last
The doctor asked me
To sign the DNR
But I couldn’t
I ran to my car
Ran out of the hospital
9 months pregnant
Doc asked me,
“Don’t you have anyone to help you with this”
“What a big decision to make in your condition”
Can’t someone help you he wondered
I thought this had to be a mistake
Are you kidding me?
Do not resuscitate?
You want me to let my father die?
He said resuscitation was for healthy people
“Not someone like you”
“Someone like you?”
That made me so mad
What did he know?
You are MY DAD
You helped me grow
I wanted you to live and be happy
I wanted you to be my kid's Pappy
What I wanted didn’t matter
Your time here was done
The machines kept on pumping
Prepped for dialysis
But - you were already gone
"That’s it..
He’s done..
Unplug him"
I said
Wait-
Who is speaking?
Who could this be?
I would never give up on the
foundation under me
Am I making the right choice?
Am I ending his life?
I was feeling fear, sadness, and strife
I cried Help me, Dear God
Please make this decision
Nervously I ripped my blue plastic gown
God spoke for me that day
Covid PPE covered my frown
They unhooked all your cords
My husband watched the clock
4 minutes unplugged
Crumbled my rock
You took your last breath
Nothing more
I watched my father’s death.
My body shook to the core
Your body was gray
Your hands were cold
You died on that table
59 years old
A month after your birthday
Not just another hospital stay
Not this time
I didn’t get to drive you away
I picked you up from the morgue
A jar full of ashes
No funeral
No family
No friends bringing flowers
Most people forgot after just a few hours
Your life meant more to me
Than anyone else
My life continued
Yours was complete
No one seemed to care
I sat alone at Christmas
A blank stare
Maybe I was wrong
For so long
I put my hope in a person
What a letdown
When it’s quiet
I still frown
Never thought I could handle
The loss of your love
I’m still strong
Two fathers above
One gave me life on earth
You taught me strength
and work ethics
God taught me value and worth
32-year-old orphan
How could this be God’s plan
He must’ve needed this man
When you died, I wondered
Why did He do this?
Who will it help?
Your death had a purpose
Not just to bring pain
I will share your story
Your death won't be in vain
The devil couldn’t keep you down
You hung on for awhile
Until Covid stole your breath
That virus is vile
Your existence cut short
Dead at 59
I wish I could say
That I was truly just fine
My grief looks different as a mom & wife
I remember all the tears and agony
When the murderer took Mom’s life
I thought this time
I was doing grief wrong
My life is so busy
I can’t sit & sob
The pain is still real
Being a mom is a big job
After you died
I gave birth
My son shares your middle name
He’s a blessing -so beautiful
You’d love him just the same
I wish you could have met him
Or maybe you did
He is the coolest little kid
God has the ability
To cross souls that come and go
So maybe you saw him
What do I know
He loves trucks and your tractor
He’s funny and he’s strong
You two would’ve had fun
Like a country song
I can’t sit and pout
I’ve got a family to raise
Dad, you’re missing out
I’m teaching them better ways
I’m a much better wife
Then Mom ever was
I will never cheat
And that’s because
I watched when you taught me
To LOVE and to STAY
Even when life is ugly
YOU made me this way
Thank you, Dad
I’ll see you again someday
I am not a poet.. but I wrote this “poem” for my dad in February 2023.
My dad was my best friend. I’m grateful that he found JESUS before he died. (Hallelujah!)
I look forward to seeing him again in Heaven!
MAY YOU REST IN PEACE DAD!
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” Revelation 21:4
Thank you for reading. 🙏🏼
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You sure are no stranger to pain, are you? To find the words to express this kind of pain and have others understand is so difficult. It is so obvious how loved he was by you! What a blessing you had him in your life…and know HE was so blessed he got to be your daddy!
🥺