Attempting to Heal From Trauma and Overcoming Self-Hate After a Traumatic Accident

After a month without driving, I drove again.

I drove for the first time since accidentally running over my daughter.

You don’t just hop in the car and drive off after something like this. At least I didn’t. I couldn’t. I panicked. I was unable to leave the house without a pep-talk, prayers, & hugs. My stomach ached, I cried, and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I got sweaty & my head was spinning. I just stood there. But I couldn’t NOT drive again... I had to. Life requires me to drive. We had been buying our groceries online. With the increased cost of groceries, adding the cost of online grocery orders was breaking the bank.

So the time had come - I had to drive.

Grief & Panic are real emotions.

Trauma is an emotional response.

I CALL ON THE LORD IN MY DISTRESS, AND HE ANSWERS ME. - Psalm 120:1

I used to sit in my feelings.

Before I had Jesus, I stewed.

My feelings would eat me alive.

I spent seven years drowning out my thoughts in drugs and alcohol.

After I got sober, I learned how to process my thoughts in recovery meetings.

12-step meetings allowed me to discuss thoughts and feelings with like-minded people.

I had been sober for four years when I met my husband. I married a man that doesn’t have much patience for emotional distress. While we met in recovery and he understood me to a degree, we grew up very differently. He didn’t come from brokenness. He will never fully understand the depth of my insanity, but he has become more patient and gracious over the years. He has developed a tolerance & acceptance of the way I process life. It can feel lonely at times when going through life events. My guy tends to “suck it up & move on.” I pick it apart & analyze it. We are so different - but we make a good team. I am grateful for the fact that he loves me enough to try and empathize. (I do the same for him!) There’s nothing like his warm embrace and heartfelt prayer in the time of need.

Before we got married, I would (still) stay in my feelings. Not like I did in my using days but for much longer than I do today.

My husband is a bottle-it-up and stuff it down kinda guy. He doesn’t want to talk about the struggles. He is a wonderful man in many aspects. But much like most men, he’d prefer not to talk about feelings. He’s like - deal with it and keep going.

So - when it came time for me to drive again, we hugged it out, I allowed myself to cry, and off I went! That’s the way my husband prefers to handle me…

Kind of like Gene Wilder in Willy Wonka! “Everyone signed? … Yes? Good. On we go!”

As we drove down the driveway, my 11-year-old daughter and I teared up. (She is so much like me it’s scary!) We held hands. My body felt weak & my brain darted in every direction. I lacked confidence in my ability to drive my vehicle. But, we successfully made it to and from the grocery without any issues. Sometimes you just have to push through the pain.

I haven’t heard many talk about how hard it is to maneuver through life after a major trauma. These times when recovery requires extreme patience & stress lingers. Maybe it is my absence from social media that prohibits me from hearing these stories. I'm sure they're out there helping people get likes and shares. It seems like people just pretend to have it together anymore. Or you get the opposite end of the spectrum of clickbait insanity. Humans use whatever they can to put on a show.

That's why I had to give up social media - it's too fake.

“I find social media to be a soul-sucking void of meaningless affirmation.” - Wednesday

Reality: I just want to sit and cry. I don't have it together. As mothers, we do so much for our families. We always want to help. Or at least I do! How can I fix this? My husband and I have a good marriage. But this has been so stressful for us. We are exhausted. I have to keep going for my family - and I do. We do. But - I’m not doing life the greatest. There is this dark cloud of negativity making our home stuffy! But I’m moving forward. We are moving forward.

Life goes on - with or without you. So here we go!

I am trying to stay in HIS TRUTH! I do that through attending church, staying involved, online studies & worship. I worship mostly through music but I believe that worship is the way you position yourself. Worship is a way of life. I 100% believe what you put in is what you get out. So - worship music only for me and mine! 💙 🙌🏼

This song "Desert Road" by Casting Crowns & CAIN has been on repeat.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

(The song is linked at the end of the post.)

We are PRAISING GOD for those who continue to pray. (Thank YOU!) We are grateful to those who have come to visit. It has now been 7 weeks since the accident. I am rude & snippy at times. My hair is frizzy, my ankles are hairy, I have a beard of acne, and I’ve never noticed my facial wrinkles being as deep as they are now. I had slept on the couch every night since the accident. (All but four of the nights.) Sometimes it feels like the days will never end. My mom guilt is through the roof. We are still in the insanity of emotions, tireless caregiving, and oh my - the flashbacks! The more I draw near to God - the stronger the flashbacks get!

I found myself sitting in church last Sunday PRAISING GOD & all of a sudden my mind kept seeing the accident over and over. I had to lean over and tell my husband what was happening in my mind. It's important for me not to keep it in or it can ruin my life.

We've had so much change in the past few years. Life has changed. Again.

I've learned to never get comfortable because change is inevitable. When the chaos of life dies down & I start to get close to God again - I know He is preparing me for what's next. This past weekend we realized it's time to adjust to this current phase. The past 7 weeks have been such a blur. We now have to get a handle on things. (PULL IT TOGETHER!)

I guess I thought that our girl was going to get better sooner. That was naïve of me.

I thought six weeks was the magic number for her to be better. One of the assisting surgeons at the children's hospital said it would be 6 weeks of recovery. But that is not going to be the case. 6 months is more realistic!

“The femur is the hardest bone to heal. When the femur breaks it takes a long time to heal. Breaking your femur can make everyday tasks much more difficult because it is one of the main bones used to walk.”

I am angry with myself. Yet again - something bad has happened - & here I am - in the middle of it. If I believed in luck .. I'd say I didn't have any! I pray that God will reveal to me what it is that he wants me to learn. Please teach me & help me to forgive myself. Amen

I spoke to the doctor's office after our appointment last week. There is this up-and-down & back-and-forth contradictory conversation. I have found over the years that this is just the case with medical situations. One doctor says this, the other doctor says that, & the nurse says something entirely different. How confusing! I am left to scour the internet and compare what I find in the articles with what our doctors say. Then - I pray like crazy that we make the right choices for the health of our family. Between my conversations with the medical professionals and my own personal “research”…

... My little brain has figured out that when the doctors say, “with an injury this severe”, they truly mean it is really REALLY bad. I don't know if it was the stress of the situation or my lack of intelligence, but I did not understand how detrimental this is. Perhaps it was the little bit of hope that I was hanging onto? I thought everything would be OK and better before too long. I know - in the long run - that it truly will be OK. I trust that my God is capable!

RECAP: We had an accident.

The full story regardingtge accidentis cover in another blog post titled: "Surviving a Trauma as a Parent: When Accidents Happen"

BRIEF OVERVIEW:

We were headed to dance class. My girls were running to the car. My younger daughter fell.

I didn't know she fell. I was further down our long drive than usual because I had to back out around our camper. It was in the drive as we were preparing to pull it to Florida for spring break. In the mix of the daily insanity, she fell and I accidentally ran her over. My daughter broke her hip. The femoral head was lodged in the hip socket & broken off from the femur. Her hip was rotated out of place. The greater trochanter was also broken off. I hadn’t put it all into perspective. I didn't initially understand the extent of her injury. She was asking for an ice pack after the accident. Like - no big deal - give me some ice. She is so brave and so strong! I have witnessed the Power of God throughout all of this, but I still hate myself.

“The femur is the longest and strongest bone in our bodies. The femur is so strong it takes a lot of force to break it. The femur bone is the most painful bone in the body to break."

Reading these things makes me absolutely ill. To know that all of this happened - because of my error! Makes. Me. SICK! My child suffered this injury - because of me.

She was in excruciating pain! (I have hated myself!)

Just the idea of one of my children being hurt makes me sick enough. The other day, my one-year-old stood on top of his Curious George jack in the box and tumbled off of it. The metal can scratched his leg. Looking at that scratch made nervous butterflies in my tummy. Not because injuries or blood make me queasy, they don't. But the fact that my child was hurting makes me sick to my stomach. I have struggled knowing that my daughter was in severe pain because of this accident and I was the driver.

I have never been one to wish to go back in time. But if I could go back to that day, I would slowly back out of my garage and stop. I wouldn’t have tried to turn my car around.

I want to take my daughter to her dance class. Now - she will miss her recital. 💔

She was so excited about her jazz dance this year! Both of her costumes were so cute! She was so excited! At this rate - it doesn't look as though she will be able to dance next season either! 💔 She had just learned to ride her bike! She was so proud! We were so excited for her! We got her a brand new mint green bike with flowers on the handlebars for her 7th birthday! There’s no way she’s riding that bike again this year. We are grieving this loss.

I pray that God reveals what He wants me to learn from this. I have learned so much already but there has to be a greater purpose. This did not happen "just cuz." We may never fully understand here on Earth - WHY this happened. But He allowed this to happen for a deeper reason. I just know it.

Our God deserves so much praise.

🙌🏼 We are so grateful for her life. She is here. (PRAISE!)

🙌🏼 Her internal organs were spared. (PRAISE!)

🙌🏼 Her beautiful brilliant head was not crushed! (PRAISE!)

I know - this could have been so much worse. I have heard countless horror stories since having this accident. Believe me, I am grateful.

GOD, I PRAISE YOU FOR SAVING HER!

Thank you for her life. 🙏🏼 😭

I trust You, Lord!

Please - help me be patient.

Amen

We are praying ever so hard! The waiting is the pits! 🙏🏼 In this instant gratification world, we've become so used to the fast food sort of service. (Nothing good comes from the drive-through!) I don’t want my child to suffer, ever. But most certainly not long-term. But I have to wait. This is not going to be a quick recovery. My mind is trying to understand that.

God is working & I trust HIM!

But - I struggle to BE STILL!

Psalm 46:10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God!”

I did all the googling because it is important for me to put all of this into perspective.

(And it's hard to find medical staff that will shoot it straight!) It helps me to have a better understanding of what our current situation is.

AND WE SHOULD EDUCATE OURSELVES! There is a world of information at our fingertips. (Use it for good!) It becomes a slippery slope when we begin trying to diagnose ourselves or when we use Google in place of medical care. But in our case, I needed to better understand safety reasons.

I don’t want to keep her from doing something fun, but I don’t want her to do too much either! We keep making plans and looking forward to the summer. I had been sleeping on the couch because my daughter's bed was in the living room. I've been living in survival mode. Which is not a good place to be. Having a better understanding of the injury and what it's going to take to find healing helps me not to have unrealistic expectations.

“Expectations are premeditated resentments.”

I needed to start taking care of myself. I cannot live the next six months to a year fully devoted to her care only. To give proper care to her, I must take proper care of myself. I have other children and a husband who also need me.

"Broken hip recovery can take a full year. It can take 12 weeks for the bone to fully mend. And by six months, some people are able to get close to their pre-injury activity level.”

I was not showering regularly or attending church. The trauma had me mentally crippled. We need to be around others. I need to take time for myself.

After her appointment last week, I realized:

-I'm going to have to be OK with people coming in and hanging out with her.

-I can't live the next year without sleeping next to my husband.

-We are going to have to finagle the furniture in our house to make a bedroom for her on the first floor.

-It's time to adapt.

IF* she is back to her "normal" self in 6 months - that would put us into October. Dance lessons begin again in August. I cannot predict the future, but I don't think I'm going to be signing her up for the upcoming dance season. Registration is in 2 weeks. She will have surgery again next spring. I'm in this place of - do I sign her up - or not? If I don't sign her up - then she doesn't get to go to dance! (SHE WANTS THAT! & I want that for her too!) What if August comes around and she is fully mended? If I do sign her up and she still can't dance I've wasted our money and a spot for someone else! I struggle not knowing the answers.

But who knows what the future will hold?! I pray for HIS WILL & my acceptance of His Will!

In addiction recovery, they talk about how our “thinking disease” likes to overcomplicate things. (Ha! Does it ever!) They stress how important it is to get “back to the basics.”

(K.I.S.S. - Keep It Simple Stupid!) I think that's where I'm at right now. I need to get back to the basics, stop overcomplicating things, and keep it simple! I need to focus on what we CAN do and enjoy those things! I need to remember to take care of myself. (I say with messy greasy hair, dirty sweatpants, and a back full of knots! ugh - I am well overdue for a shower.) It's crazy how in times like this - even the simplest tasks feel so complex.

A couple of weeks ago - I'd had ENOUGH. I left the house around 7 PM & drove to town. My body was exhausted to the point that it throbbed! I found myself sitting in my car - in the dark - until 9:30 PM. Just sitting there - in the grocery store parking lot - enjoying the peace and quiet. I couldn't tell you the last time I'd heard NOTHING.

I love taking care of my children, but I am no good to them if I do not take care of myself. It has been almost 2 months since I have shown myself some true love. Of course, I would love a long hot bath, a massage, a facial, some good shampoo and conditioner, a pedicure, maybe some yummy coffee, and definitely a long nap. However, I don’t have a bathtub, we are currently drowning in bills, & there is no napping in my house.. (not for me!)

These worldly things are not currently attainable. (And they only bring temporary satisfaction!) Someday.. I'll have all those things at my disposal and I will miss the noise - I KNOW! So for now - sitting quietly in a dark parking lot with my little dog and a big glass of water - at an hour of the day that I would never normally leave my house… This is self-care.

“The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.”

I think that one of my greatest assets has become my ability to be open about my issues. It has been so beneficial to me over the years. Brutal honesty has helped to keep me sober and helped me build relationships. I usually get feedback from others who have been encouraged by the insanity of my life. (Yeehaw!)

However, I’ve always had a lot of fear about my husband reading my writings because he tends to be embarrassed about my openness. As I mentioned, he's not big on expressing his feelings. After he reads something that I've taken days or weeks to write and he doesn't respond - I worry that it was terrible (or he thinks I'm an idiot). Maybe someday I'll accept that this is just the way he is. (Or he will learn to say something!) Marriage is a funny thing.

But regardless of my fears of disappointing him - I keep writing! Because this too is a form of self-care for me. When I struggle with something - I like to put it out on the table and process it. I don’t always find immediate solutions. My problems don’t just go away… but being open and honest about my struggles allows me to use my story to help others. It has always been my hope that God would use my life to bring others to Him! Through sharing my story I've been able to hear from others & further my walk as well. Some have been in situations like mine. Others with constructive criticism. It's always so interesting how so many people assume that their problems are unique to them. When every single thing that is happening now, has already happened to someone somewhere.

That is one of the beautiful things that I learned in recovery, I’m not that special. I’m not the only one. My problems aren’t unique to me. IT COULD ALWAYS ALWAYS BE WORSE!

If I never talked about my issues, I would have no idea that I’m not alone. I would not be able to help others understand that they aren't alone! WE NEED EACH OTHER! The enemy wants me to believe that I am alone. He wants me to stay quiet! Satan wants me to think that I’m abnormal, that I’m too different, or that no one will understand. When I shine His light on something that feels dark and heavy - the burden lightens & it gets easier to carry.

The aftermath of trauma is hard, messy, & challenging. It takes time to heal.

We are riding the waves. We have good days and other days we go stir-crazy. I’m exhausted and irritable & there are days that I feel defeated. My daughter and I are easily annoyed with each other at times. Today she bit me, but I grin and bear it! I can take it! Watching her cry in frustration is heartbreaking. Little things that never would've bothered her before, trigger her! For some reason, there have been a lot of sirens going by our house lately, and every time she says, “I hate ambulances! That sound makes me sick to my stomach!”

---

**Update from when we took our daughter back to the hospital for her 6-week post-operation check-up… Her x-ray showed that there are no significant improvements. (We were shocked!) As a matter of fact, there were no improvements at all. We were excited about this new appointment and hoping to see some regrowth. (On our way to the hospital, we discussed how we hoped that we weren't getting our hopes up for nothing!) The doctor we saw said it looks like her repair was “shutting down.” He said, quite frankly he was surprised that it had lasted this long! This would be considered a “failed surgery.” Apparently, it is not uncommon for surgeries like this to fail. We were so frustrated with this news. We felt blindsided. Going into the operating room it was all positive. (The back & forth is so confusing!) At this bummer of an appointment, we learned that the children’s hospital did not know of our daughter’s injury until eight hours after we had arrived at Hospital 1.

(9 hours from the accident!) The doctor told us that she should have been flown by helicopter immediately from the scene! This is now the second person to tell us this.

Why that did not happen is beyond us?! Now we are being told that she didn’t get her surgery in time. That is sickeningly frustrating for a parent to hear.

The blood flow from the femur to the femoral head was disrupted for nearly 24 hours.

Now I wonder - WHAT does this mean for her future? From so many different angles - this whole situation could've been avoided. My mind was spinning with frustration.

Our baby is not healing. (WHAT?!)

There was no significant improvement whatsoever. (WHAT!?)

We were so excited after our first appointment. The bone was already starting to regenerate! So, hearing this was no longer the case, was so hard. "There has been no progression since the two-week appointment." The doc said she could need a longer compression screw through her growth plate. (Which would stunt the growth of her leg!)

Our surgeon was at a national conference with other surgeons. (We perceive this as a blessing! We were told her x-rays would be reviewed with a team of the nation's top pediatric orthopedic surgeons!) We drove the 2+ hours back home to wait for a call about how they would be proceeding. At that time - they had said we could potentially be taking her back for another surgery. (sigh!) And so it continues…. Just when you think that things are getting better…You find out, they aren’t! They did not schedule a follow-up appointment when we left. (We waited more than 30 hours to hear back from our doctor's office!)

I’m having a hard time mentally dealing with the fact that this happened under my watch, and it could affect her for the rest of her life. I try to hang on and focus on the GOOD and remember that GOD LOVES US! & GOD LOVES MY GIRL!

I know that in the end, everything is going to be OK! Whether my child ends up with a short leg or walks with a limp, or only one leg ... whatever the future may hold… God is still on the throne! But I can’t help but cry. I walked out of the Children’s Hospital, pushing her wheelchair & blubbering! So many worries and questions floating in my mind.  She looked up innocent as ever at her daddy and asked, “Why is mommy crying?”

My hubby told her that we cry because we love her so much… And it’s true! We love her so much!!!! She is sweet as ever. She doesn’t fully understand what’s happening!

It’s all up in the air & my brain is all over the place.

We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ 2 Corinthians 10:5

The mental health side of having a kid with a "severe injury" is hard to handle!

My heart goes out to the parents with kids that can’t go home. 💔 The families that have to deal with this longer than we do. The parents who don’t get to take their kids home after an accident. Ugh. My heart is heavy. 

The day after we visited the Children's Hospital I waited all day for the phone call. I spent most of the day pacing back and forth through my house, chewing my fingernails like the mentally disturbed individual that I am.

Finally, around 1 p.m. - I couldn’t take the anxiety anymore - I called the doctor’s office. Around 4 PM the nurse called me back with contradictory information to the day prior!! (Confusing as ever but hallelujah - I think!) We received a boatload of bad news from the assisting doctor the day before. (It's no wonder why so many people are confused by medical situations and never want to go to the hospital!) Our daughter’s x-rays were reviewed by the surgeon and he was not discouraged by the results. (shew!) He was not surprised by the little to no progress. "Because of the location & severity of the injury, it will take longer to heal." There are no magic numbers in this situation. We just have to be patient and trust the process.

The doctor put in an order for a walker. We can now get her into a standing position. She can do some “toe touches” with her injured leg. This is the only “physical therapy” that she will have for now. She is still non-weight bearing.

“Physical therapy may also help a fracture heal more quickly than immobilization alone. Exercise increases blood flow, which delivers more oxygen and nutrients to the injured parts of the bone, aiding in healing.”

We trust that she is in the best medical hands! (PRAISE GOD!)

Even better: We know she is in the holy loving hands of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

The Great Physician!

We believe that God can perform miracles!

🙏🏼 We are praying for a miracle & we are believing in that miracle! COME JESUS!

“O Lord, if you heal me, I will be truly healed; if you save me, I will be truly saved. My praises are for you alone!” Jeremiah‬ ‭17‬:‭14

Now - we feel like we can breathe a little easier. Back on the path of healing! We know that this could all change in 3 weeks when we go back to see the surgeon. But for now, we must focus on today and all that we have to be thankful for.

We have rearranged our home to provide our daughter with more privacy. She is no longer on display in our living room. I have spent a couple of nights back in my bed, and my body is already starting to feel a bit better! We are trying to LIVE again and provide a sense of "normalcy" for our family. We are hoping to be able to take a little trip soon. Just a 3 day weekend. For the sake of our mental health. The doctor says there’s no problem with going places and getting fresh air. (I hope he's right since he didn't provide us with accurate info at our appointment!) But we will be extra careful! The biggest issue is just making sure that she does not move her hip. Brace on & here we go! He said handling the mental health aspect of trauma is just as important as the physical healing. (I agree!)

We can’t let this change us for the worst. It's a hurdle we must jump. We will persevere!

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

Nothing happens by mistake.

I know that bad things can happen to good people.

Nothing is wasted.

Right now our family is being molded and shaped.

God is using all of this.

Overall - it’s okay. My girl is okay. We are okay. I’m okay.

It's going to be okay.

LORD, I WAIT FOR YOU; YOU WILL ANSWER, LORD MY GOD. Psalm 38:15

We continue to pray and wait for her miracle.

“Well, no matter who you are, and no matter what you've done

There will come a time when you can't make it on your own

And in your hour of desperation

Know you're not the only one, praying

Lord above, I need a miracle”  - Third Day

Link to the song below.👇🏼

https://youtu.be/bTjimzpyE4k

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. Psalms‬ ‭28‬:‭7‬

I am tired, but God is good. Always.

Hallelujah - I have breath in my lungs!

My child is alive and well. God hears my prayers.

I’ve been given another chance today to use my life to give Him glory! I am working on forgiving myself. One prayer at a time.

Thank you for praying with my family through this.

❤️ -Kelsey

Casting Crowns & CAIN Song Link:

https://youtu.be/QSyQYnrpEv8