Welp, here we are again. We have arrived at the 2023/2024 school year. My almost 12-year-old daughter has been going to school since she was three years old. So, I suppose, I've been doing this for almost 9 years. I can say that every single year prior to this year we have been ready weeks before school starts. I am a planner. I like having all my ducks in a row. I like feeling prepared. I do not like feeling rushed. Although many times over the years my life has become chaotic and I have had a lot of anxiety. My control freak brain is always trying its best to fix and manage everything.
We have purchased the $400 worth of school supplies that were on the two lists. Both of my kids have new backpacks and backpack charms! The baby and I took my seven-year-old shopping and she got to pick out a pile of adorable outfits. She has new shoes and even necklaces. My 11-year-old was at church camp when we went shopping. Now, here we are, two days before school starts, and she has no new outfits. I am without a car today as my husband took it to the shop to have new wheels put on.
**Side Note!** My husband works in the automotive industry. I would not be a good tire and wheel wife if I did not take a moment to specify that tires and wheels are not the same thing. Wheels are the inner metal part & tires are the rubber! I am not getting new tires on my van today. I am getting new wheels a.k.a. “rims”. I drive a two-year-old minivan that is still under warranty and the factory black rims were peeling! Being the loving husband that he is, he drove my vehicle to a different dealership today to have this warranty repair completed. Because sitting in a car dealership lobby while your vehicle is being worked on for three hours is not an activity that a mom with three kids wants to complete! So, wheels & tires are not the same. There! (How courteous of me to give you this bit of information, I know.) When you take your vehicle to have it serviced and you need something done with the tires and wheels now you know the difference - and how dare you ever say it wrong! LOL
Clearly, I’ve learned my lesson the hard way!
Now - back to your scheduled back-to-school blog.
I don't feel prepared. I'm not ready. I know my kids are ready and excited to return to school and see their friends. But this year I'm just not ready to let go. The past year has been absolute insanity. (Such is the story of my life I suppose.) I have not yet taken my oldest daughter shopping for her back-to-school clothes. My vehicle is in the shop. We just returned from five days in the upper peninsula of Michigan. So we have little to no food in the house but my husband will be coming home at lunchtime looking for a meal. Timewise - I think it would be much more efficient to take my daughter to shop for school clothes during the five hours between my husband leaving to go back to work from lunch and the school open house starting at 5 PM. However, she has expressed that she desperately needs a little bit of “mom time” and I really want to give her that. I need time with her too!
In the years prior, the one or two weeks leading up to school starting I would've tried to get my kids back on a school sleep schedule. We have not done that. We do not have any food in the house for them to pack lunches. Quite frankly, I don't think we have lunch money for them right now. I feel like there is a storm cloud brewing in the distance and I really need to take cover. Within the next couple of months, there is going to be a financial storm that will hit hard. I haven't had a job outside of the home since 2020. Most of the time I feel inadequate not being able to financially contribute. My son was born in 2021. We cannot fathom anyone raising him but us. So my husband works outside of the home and I take care of the home & kiddos. We got together in 2013, married in 2014, and I've never been without a job. I have always handled buying the groceries, keeping my car filled with gas to run the children back and forth to school and their activities, and I've always paid for everything to do with school. So, on one income trying to juggle life's bills and all the “normal things” we pay for plus school clothes, school supplies, school lunches, and gas to get to school - it’s hard. It gets a little hairy when the kids go back to school & I am feeling guilty for not working. My hubby and I don't always have fantastic communication but we do communicate in our own weird little way. It's usually me being insecure and kind of whiny and asking him if we are OK. He will sigh or roll his eyes and tell me that we are fine. I start to express to him how I feel guilty for not working and he tells me that we decided this was best for our family and this is how it's going to be. So, I stay home with the kids and he goes to work. I cannot fathom sacrificing any of my time with my son. I am grateful that I get to be home with him. I have developed a huge respect for homeschool moms and I try not to envy them. I recently talked to someone who just cannot wait for her kids to go back to school and I could not relate to her. I'm over here wondering how I could make homeschooling work. But my daughters have been in the school system for so long now that they really like the structure & social aspect of it. In 2020 “when Covid crippled the nation” … I could not get myself to send my children to school so I kept them home and I homeschooled them. It didn't set them back at all. My oldest did third grade at home and it was absolutely miserable. We were both screaming and crying most days and I wanted to slam my head through the wall. Trying to teach a kid that hates math multiplication is definitely not my strong suit. But she wasn't behind at all and went to fourth grade back at public school without any issues. So apparently I wasn't as terrible of a teacher as I thought I had been. Having my kids at home learning with me was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I will forever cherish the time that I got to keep my kids home. I don't understand why our kids have to be thrown into this gearbox from such an early age. We are conditioned to think our kids need to be in school on a factory worker schedule. 7 AM to 3 PM - get up, get dressed, get out the door… Rush rush rush go go go… Gotta keep up with the man. I remember doing this and feeling miserable my entire childhood. And then all of a sudden I was spit out of the gearbox and clueless as to what to do with myself. I remember thinking how wrong it felt to not be at school.
Quite frankly, I didn't realize that the world even functioned outside of that prison. Coming out of high school without a plan for life was exactly how I felt walking out of the doors of the county jail. Realizing that life is still happening around you and you have no idea what to do with yourself. I don't want that for my kids. I know that there has to be a better way. I know that homeschooling would have been a better option but learning how to do school without structure is challenging when that's all I am used to and that's all they have been taught as well. My son will be two this year and I am already contemplating never subjecting him to the public school system. I just think kids deserve better. Kids deserve to be kids longer. Childhood flies by and they are stuck in the grind of up and at it every day for the rest of their lives. They don't realize what a trap adulthood is. Everybody's in a hurry to get here and they don't know why. Then they arrive at adulthood and wonder how the heck they got here and why they can't reclaim their youth.
I am not on top of the back-to-school stuff this year. I don’t have everything planned in advance. I am not organized to boot. Now, don't get me wrong, my house is clean and I have organized some closets… But nothing is as “perfect” as I want it to be. My kids don't have the perfect back-to-school outfit with matching hair bows. We don't have the extra money this year to order all of the nicest things from the Internet. We don't have all the name-brand and top-of-the-line school gear. I have this fear of my kids being picked on for not having all of the “it things”. Quite frankly, I don't what the cool things are anymore?! I'm not sure that I would even want to know. Life is different now. I have stepped out of the hamster wheel of consumerism and my values are shifting. I no longer have to create the perfect back-to-school photo for social media.
(I praise God that he convicted me to get off of social media. Children are not for entertainment. People, get your kids off the internet!)
Our sleep schedules don't have to be perfect. I am lightening up more and it doesn’t feel natural. But God is working in me. I'm learning to appreciate experiences with my children more than buying them things. We've been enjoying camping off & on all summer. We've traveled to see family and enjoyed family coming to see us. We've done things differently and while it has me feeling out of sorts I feel like maybe doing things differently isn't so bad. Perhaps this is what I needed all along. This is what we needed. I pray continually that God will bless our family with closeness as we grow closer to HIM.
I hate that I "have to" send my kids back to school. I hate that I have to sacrifice time with them knowing that time is fleeting. But here we go again. It's that time of the year and there's nothing I can do about it. They are registered. They are excited. So for now, back to public school, they go. I have a feeling I will cry all the way home as if it's kindergarten morning all over again. It's been five months since my seven-year-old has been to school. She is still healing from her femur fracture and this year is going to look differently than other school years have.
If we continue with public school, this is the last year that my girls will be in the same school together. (My brain explodes) This is my oldest daughter's last year of elementary school. Again, my brain explodes. Time is slipping away from us. I have six more years with my oldest being in school. She's 11 so she has talked about pursuing college but who knows what the future holds for her. I pray that it is bright and full of intimacy with Jesus. Regardless, it's important for me to cherish this time. Children are precious at every stage and they need us to love and nurture them. I had the rude reminder that the enemy is constantly working to devour our children. As I went to School registration The head-to-toe rainbow flag-wearing "they/them" sat at the registration table offering counseling. (COUNSELING!!?? My brain thought - are you kidding me?? This person that clearly needs counseling is the person that the school refers the damaged children to for help!!??)
My stomach flip-flopped and I felt as if I was dragging a 100-pound weight to the next table. I was assured that this person would not be in direct contact with my children as my children did not need this person's services.
*This is not me stating that I have any problem with the queer community or individuals who identify as gay. I do however have a problem with someone's sexual orientation or identity confusion being the first thing that my child learns about them - especially in a school setting. My seven-year-old & 11-year-old do not need to know who you have sex with. I would hope to God that if a queer person had children of their own, they would not want me to tell their child about who I have sex with or how that is performed. A little common sense goes a long way. I saw a clip from a pride festival where naked people were dancing in the streets in front of children. They were chanting, “We are here, we are queer, and we are coming for your children”. This festival flashed through my mind as I was faced with this person while attempting to register my kids for school. I've also seen some horrific videos from “transgender” or “non-binary” people that have somehow weaseled their way into classrooms. These people seem to think that they are advocating for children that are confused when truly these people are the ones confused & doing the confusing.
So all in all I'm not overly excited about sending my children back to school. I don't think that the rainbow counselor is going to be a problem. I also hope that this person is able to help in the mental health capacity if needed for other children. But the school year feels different. It's not just the lack of preparation. Between my seven-year-old daughter going back to school with a fractured femur & my 11-year-old daughter dreading the return to school and bullies and the lack of friendship - that’s hard. But with the current state of the world being painful and ugly, sending my kids out into the world without the protection and safety that my husband and I are able to provide them is terrifying. Putting my precious babies in the hands of other adults that I do not know, makes me feel ill! We live in a small community and I pray that my kids will benefit from having the shelter of a small town that seems to have similar morals and values. The little bit that I know about the superintendent has told me that he is a good man. His children also go to the school. The interactions that my family has had with some of the teachers and the principal tells me that there are good God-fearing people at our little school.
We had a meeting with the school principal in regard to creating a plan for my injured daughter’s year at school. When we arrived for that meeting there was a sign on the door that we needed to take caution and not touch the windows. I asked her about this. She said that they had just had a company come in and reinforce the windows so that God forbid there was an intruder that hopefully the window wouldn't shatter if they were “struck with force”. This is the world we live in. These are the things that as parents we have to worry about. I worry about my children daily. I worry that they will grow up and not know Jesus. I worry that they will be picked on. I worry that they might fall or they will struggle. But I also have to worry about the adults that they encounter at school that might try to confuse them. I also have to worry about an intruder coming in to shoot them. The current state of the world is not a place I want to send my children out into alone. I don’t feel great about my kids going back to school this year. But this is what we are doing - for now. So I pray.
Heavenly Father,
God… I come to you with fear and worry and anxiety. I want to lay all of this at the foot of your cross. I fear for my children’s safety. I worry about who they might encounter that will want to deter them from a path to you. I'm anxious about my kids going back to school and being picked on for their physical differences or made fun of because they cannot mentally handle social circumstances.
Lord, I pray over the school that you would wrap your arms around the building and protect the school from intruders. I pray that you would keep the children safe inside the school.
God, I pray that you would be with the teachers so that they would be of sound moral judgment. I pray that these teachers will know you. I pray that these teachers will go to school with loving hearts and minds to guide the children through their education. I pray that they will not have any other agenda other than helping the children learn. Lord reveal YOUR TRUTH. I pray that my children will be blessed with friendships and that they will be good friends to those around them. I pray that my children would be Your Light in this dark world. God, help them to continue in their walk with YOU. Lord Jesus, help me to be strong in my faith and in my knowledge of Your Word so that I will be able to direct my kids closer to you. Help me to help them build a firm foundation on Christ. I want them to learn about Jesus at home so that they would have the strength and wisdom and courage to go out into the scary world. Lord, help them feel your presence so that they will know they are walking hand-in-hand with Jesus Christ.
Father, I ask that if given the opportunity to witness to those around them that you would give them the strength to do so. I pray they would take that opportunity to share who Your Son Jesus is with those who don't know Him. Help my children to be loving and kind and gracious and good. Thank you for blessing me with these precious precious children!!
Lord, I believe you will bring them home safely to me. I am trusting You as we begin a new school year. I believe that you have great plans for them. I am blessed by my children and I pray that they are able to bless others through You. We love You, Lord Jesus!
We want more of You, AMEN
Cherish every moment you get with your family. Truly value them. Make it a point to hug them, apologize when needed, and try harder not to bicker with them.
Time flies. One day we'll look back and it will all be a blur! I know - that ultimately - no matter what - it's going to be OK! It's all going to work out in the long run.
So, here we go ... back to school. (Sigh)
GODSPEED.
- Kelsey
Thank you for reading. 🙏🏼
If you wish to show support for HELLO DEAR, share this post with a friend or check out the MERCH shop! 💖 ✌🏼 😇 ✝️
Comments